


everything is fine.

by krowlin



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jay Lives AU, M/M, Updates on Saturday, eventual jam, jess n jay r best friends. yes i will fight you on this, jessica has a cat :), more tags to be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krowlin/pseuds/krowlin
Summary: Jay had grown to expect almost anything in his time running from that thing. The world was a weird place, anything could happen, but he sure as hell didn’t expect to wake up in a hospital bed, the pain of his gunshot wound reduced to a dull ache.or, in which jay survived being shot.
Relationships: Jay Merrick/Timothy "Tim" Wright, Jessica Locke & Jay Merrick
Comments: 37
Kudos: 105





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeehaw first marble hornets fic!!! i hope yall enjoy it! please leave a comment/kudos if you like it
> 
> u can find me on tumblr @/krowlin if you wanna see updates for this fic and more mh shit alskdks
> 
> also apologies for any typos :') happy reading!

Jay was desperate, thoughts panicked and pained. The bullet wound in his side throbbed as he slumped to a sitting position, unable to catch his breath.

God, what a way to go. Tragic, really. So many regrets wormed their way into his thoughts, but he pushed them out as best he could. He was going to die in a few minutes, if he were lucky. No point in worrying now.

His vision was going dark around the edges. The angry, blistering pain in his side got worse as the seconds went on. 

There was no use trying to fight it, despite what the tiny, ever hopeful voice in his head wanted him to think. He missed Tim. God, he missed Tim. 

His last thought was of what Tim would think of him now; lying half-dead on the floor after disobeying him. He managed a weary sigh before finally slipping into blissful unconsciousness.

Jay had grown to expect almost anything in his time running from that thing. The world was a weird place, anything could happen, but he sure as hell didn’t expect to wake up in a hospital bed, the pain of his gunshot wound reduced to a dull ache.

It was so impossibly clean and sterile in comparison to the abandoned film rooms. The  blood that once coated his fingers was gone, and not for the first time, he found himself asking  _ how long has it been since my last memories? _

A nurse came in a few minutes later to check his vitals and ask him questions. He was pleased to know that it hadn’t been too long--it was March of 2014 now, which was still worrying, but not as bad as last time. 

“Your vitals seem fine,” the nurse said. “You can probably be discharged later today. Should I call your friend?”

Friend?

_ Tim? _

“Please do,” Jay said quickly, sitting up despite the sharp jolt of pain in his side. 

The nurse nodded. “You really should be laying down. I’ll get back to you in a few minutes.”

Jay didn’t lay down, opting to fidget anxiously instead while he waited for her to return. He was restless, adrenaline returning slowly to his unused limbs. He was finally going to be reunited with Tim. He was finally going to be able to apologize.

The nurse returned after what felt like ages. “I talked to your friend. She said she’d come by immediately.”

“She?”

“Jessica Locke, I think she said? Were you expecting someone different?”

Jay’s face immediately fell. “Oh. Okay. Uh, thank you.”

The nurse excused herself soon after to help with a patient in another room. The silence left in her wake was thick and heavy, resting like lead in Jay’s lungs.

Jessica Locke… why was that name familiar? Where had they met before? There was a face to that name, and Jay was certain he had once seen it.

Jessica. Jessica. The realization dawned upon him all of a sudden, this was that Jessica. She was alive. She had survived that thing.

How did she find him? Why did she help, why did she call herself his friend?

“Knock knock.”

The person in question startled him out of his reverie. He whipped his head towards the door to see Jessica standing there with an awkward smile.

She looked a little different; longer hair, lighter eye bags, a brighter smile… she looked happy. Healthy. Safe.

“Hi,” he said quietly, wide-eyed. 

“Hey. You uh…. You feeling better?”

He nodded.

Jessica grinned. “Great!” She paused, shifting uncomfortably. “This may be an awkward way to officially meet, but… can I get your name?”

He inwardly relaxed, half relieved she didn’t remember him. “Jay Merrick,” he said. “Yours?”

“Jessica Locke. The nurse told me you could be discharged today. I can drive you to your house if you give me an address,” she suggested easily.

Jay stopped himself before responding, mouth hanging open slightly as he thought. The last place he considered ‘home’ was a shit motel when he was still with Tim. He shoved away the flood of memories as quickly as he could.

“I… I don’t really have a house,” he said awkwardly. “It, uh, burned down a while ago.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Jessica quickly said. She paused, looking lost in thought. “Well, you could crash at my place for a bit, if you wanted.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose-”

“Jay. You nearly died. It’s the least I could do if you don’t have a place to stay. Just do the dishes every once in a while and don’t be mean to the neighbors and we should be good.”

“But you just met me! What if I’m a murderer or something?” Jay protested. He desperately didn’t want to get Jessica involved in all of this. Not again.

She shrugged. “I dunno. You don’t really look like a murderer, and you need a place to stay, plus a murderer probably wouldn’t protest this much. Come on, you won’t have to for long.”

Jay frowned. Classic, stubborn Jessica. She wouldn’t listen to a no, so he finally relented.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt…” he muttered finally.

Jessica grinned triumphantly. “Perfect! I have a cat, hopefully you don’t mind.”

Jessica continued to talk about her cat and her life as they walked to the car and began the drive to her house. Jay sat in the passenger seat, eyes glued on the outside scenery as shitty country music played softly in the background.

It was weirdly reminiscent of the many car rides he experienced with Tim. Always in the passenger seat, casual, tired banter being thrown back and forth, the smell of cigarette smoke blowing out the window…

Jay shook his head in a physical effort to get rid of the thoughts and the ache that accompanied them. The image of Tim’s face was ingrained in his head and it arguably stung worse than the hole in his side.

“Well, we’re here,” Jessica said, turning off the engine. “Home sweet home.”

It was a small house in the middle of the suburbs. The pair walked inside, Jessica giving a small tour before showing Jay to his new room.

“...And this is where you’ll be staying,” she said with some jazz hands. “If you need anything, give me a holler.”

“Actually,” Jay started, “Do you have a computer?”

“Yes! Living room. Don’t hack into any government agencies. I’m going to order pizza, yeah? I’m starving.”

Jay nodded, trying a smile. “Thanks.”

Jessica beamed back. “‘Course.”

Jay resisted the urge to run to the computer. He settled for a power-walk, rushing down the hall and sitting down in front of the desktop. Jessica’s cat, Maggie, jumped up onto the table to watch him. 

With shaky hands, he got onto YouTube, and typed in ‘Marble Hornets’.

He was glued to his seat for the next half an hour.

Jay watched himself die, watched Tim run away. He rewatched Entry #87 more times than he could count, the phrase “everything is fine” carved into his brain.

Tim was fine. Technically. Hopefully.

Tim was a murderer. He killed Alex. Alex was dead. But Tim was alive.

Jay turned the computer off, but continued to stare blankly at the black screen. His hands were still shaking, mind still processing it all.

God, he missed Tim.

“...Jay? You alright?” Jessica asked from behind him, making him jump.

“What? Oh, yeah, sorry. What’s up?” He said quickly, thoughts still muddled. 

“Pizza came. Want some?”

He glanced at the computer screen reluctantly. “I… don’t think I’m very hungry.”

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”

He nodded, not trusting his voice to mask his distress.

“Okay. I’ll save some for you for tomorrow. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” she said, giving him a worried look before walking off.

Jay grimaced, taking a quick check of the living room windows before returning to his room, similarly checking any and all hiding spaces.

No crazy, mask-wearing murderers. He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved.

He sat down on the bed, fidgeting with the blanket as he stared off distantly.

‘Everything is fine.’

Was it?


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter !! as always, leave a kudos/comment if u enjoy it! sorry if this one is a little all over the place, i was ill while writing parts of this so i was kinda spacey lmao. happy reading !

“Can I have this camera?”

Jessica looked up at Jay, who was sitting on the floor of the living room, rummaging through a box. 

“...Well, it’s really old,” she said eventually, raising an eyebrow at the small handheld he now clung to. “Why?”

“I like filming,” he said quickly, as if it were a trained response. “I went to college for it, and it’s still a big passion of mine.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I don’t think I have any extra tapes, but there’s a BestBuy a few blocks away.”

Jay smiled brighter than he ever had in the short time Jessica knew him. It wasn’t even that dazzling, just a grin with a triumphant sparkle in his eye. He looked like a kid that was just given a candy bar. 

Jay started carrying around the camera everywhere. He stayed inside the house the majority of the time, but it was always there at his side or in his hand, always rolling, always watching everything he did. 

Jessica was beginning to regret letting him be her roommate.

He wasn’t bad, per se, just.... paranoid. He was always peeking out of windows, checking under beds, scouring the area as if someone was going to come out and attack him at any second. Jessica always noticed the panicked look in his eyes whenever she coughed.

Needless to say, Jay was strange, but he was extremely kind. He was polite, almost always doing the dishes after meals, playing with Maggie, and helping wherever he could. If not for his unending paranoia, he would’ve been the best roommate Jess had ever had. Hell, paranoia aside, he already  _ was _ . 

They were eating dinner one night (‘dinner’ being shitty takeout shared over the couch while Jeopardy played in the background) when Jessica first asked Jay about his time in college.

“...I’m sorry?” Jay asked, blinking in surprise at the sudden question.

“What was your college experience like?” Jessica repeated. “You said a while back you were a film major, and we’ve known each other for like, what, three weeks now? I barely know anything about you.”

Jay thought for a moment as if choosing what to say. Jessica was patient, busying herself with petting Maggie while she waited.

“I worked on a film with a friend,” he said eventually. “It was. Uh. It was shit. But he was really passionate about it.”

“What was it about?” 

“Oh god,” he said, laughing a little. “It was about this guy who came home to the small town he grew up in, I think? But, uh, everyone around him had grown up, and it was this whole coming-of-age thing. It was horrible.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad,” Jessica said. “You’re biased because you worked on it.”

“No, trust me. Alex was super passionate, but he couldn’t write for shit.” Jay shook his head, smiling fondly.

“Alex?”

His face immediately fell to give way to a look of dread. 

“Oh- yeah. Just an old friend.”

“Well, he sure sounds like a character,” Jessica said, not wanting to pry at Jay’s sudden distress. Baby steps, she reminded herself.

“Heh, yeah. He sure was something.”

That was the end of that. 

\---

Jay had remained glued to his seat for the entire morning, staying in his room to watch the footage of the previous day. His routine was obviously quite jarring to Jessica, who occasionally would ask him what he did when she was at work, always to get the casual response of ‘nothing’. 

“Okay, you always say that,” Jessica responded. “There’s no way you just… sit around all day.”

“Well, there’s not a lot for me to do, really.”

Jessica stared at him for a few moments, expression unreadable. “I’m taking a day off tomorrow.”

“...Why?”

“Because,” Jessica started, grinning widely, “we’re going out! You barely leave the house and it’s making me sad.”

Jay grimaced, curling in on himself a little. “...Okay. Do you have some place in mind?” 

She thought for a moment, humming. “Yes, actually. There’s this really beautiful park about thirty minutes away, I bet you’d love it.”

Jay’s grimace deepened. “What’s the park called?” He asked cautiously. There was a stream of prayers to a god that he didn’t believe in that it wouldn’t be what he was certain she would say.

Then came the final nail in his coffin. 

“It’s called Rosswood, it’s super pretty. I’ve only been a couple times, but I’ve been meaning to go back, so why not?”

There were millions of reasons why not. What if Brian was still there? What if that thing took them? What if-

“Jay,” Jessica interrupted his stream of increasingly dangerous what if’s. “You alright?”

He nodded after a second, blinking back the wave of panic that was beginning to overtake him. Jay was stuck with a choice here: shoot down the idea immediately and risk Jessica finding out too much, or go and risk getting a panic attack… or worse.

The only voice of reason he had left gently reminded him that Alex was dead. He hadn’t seen any sign of the thing or Brian since he was back. There were no signs of danger. 

Theoretically, Rosswood was fine. As long as he brought the camera and something to defend himself with, he should be fine. Hell, he had escaped countless times even with the risk of that thing still ever present, lurking just beyond the treeline. 

There was a small part of him that desperately wanted to know if he was safe. A bigger, louder part half-hoped he would find Tim in there, mask burying his features. 

That was it. They had to go, even if just to be sure it was safe.

“Okay,” he finally said. “Tomorrow, right?”

Jessica nodded, grinning brightly. “Tomorrow. Don’t worry, it’ll be great.”

Jay desperately hoped she was right.

That night, Jay grabbed everything he would need--a knife stolen from the kitchen, the fully charged camera with backup tape, and all the courage he could muster. Jessica said that she had visited a few weeks before she found Jay with no strange occurrences, so Jay was hoping for the best.

He stared at the items laid out on the table in his room with a sense of grim resignation. Not for the first time, he found himself stepping into fire. He was tempted to go alone and spare Jessica any possible danger, but the thought of being by himself in those woods kept his feet rooted to the ground. There was safety in numbers, he tried to remind himself.

Jay sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted, but knew for a fact he wouldn’t be going to bed any time soon. 

He missed Tim.

( _ Beef jerky and peanuts shared on the hood of Tim’s car in the middle of the night under the stars after Jay had a particularly bad nightmare. There was a blanket haphazardly thrown over his shoulders, Tim lighting himself a cigarette. Calming silence.  _

_ “Do you know any of the constellations?” Tim had asked in an effort to get Jay’s mind off of it all. Jay could only shake his head. “I’m a bit rusty, but I think that’s Orion up there, and the Little Dipper,” he started, pointing up at formations of stars. He continued to murmur soft explanations, throwing in made-up pieces of lore when his mind ran blank.  _

_ They sat there for what felt like hours, sharing tired jokes and little stories. The silence returned eventually, a comforting haze enveloping the pair. _

_ “Do you think we’re ever going to get out of this?” Jay asked suddenly.  _

_ Tim paused, sighing. “I… don’t know. But I hope so. God, I hope so.” _

_ Jay nodded, quietly surprised at the emotion in Tim’s voice. “Yeah,” he had finally murmured, “me too.”) _

Jay stared up at the ceiling, frown deepening as his mind relived memories.

_ (Tim and Jay eating out at a shitty diner as a way of treating themselves after a night of decoding TTA’s bullshit. Sharing a greasy plate of fries while arguing about how to distribute the ketchup. _

_ “You put it on the side so you can dip it in-” _

_ “No,” Tim said immediately. “You squirt it all over. Tastes better that way.” _

_ “Tastes better? Tim, there’s no difference.” _

_ “Trust me on this one,” Tim said, grinning widely. “It’s so much better. Unless you’re using ranch, then you put it on the side.” _

_ “Ranch? Seriously?? On  _ fries _?” Jay asked incredulously. “You’re disgusting.” _

_ “You don’t have any taste,” Tim responded curtly, sticking a fry in his mouth. _

_ They looked at each other for a moment, sharing a fond look, everything around them forgotten before Tim finally averted his eyes and cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed. _

_ Jay glued his eyes to the table, tracing the lines in the wood to busy himself.  _

_ “We should probably be getting back soon,” Tim said.  _

_ “Right.”) _

Jay screwed his eyes shut, trying desperately to ignore the ever-present ache in his chest. He quite honestly preferred being shot.

_ (“Can you teach me how to edit?” _

_ Jay tore his eyes away from his computer. “Uh, sure, I guess. Why?” _

_ Tim shrugged. “I don’t want you doing all the work.” _

_ Jay studied his face for a moment. “...Okay. I just started this entry, so I can just walk you through the process. I’m not the best teacher, sorry,” he laughed a little, suddenly feeling anxious.  _

_ Jay rambled through what was necessary in the entry, pointing out little tips he had learned over the years, slowly but surely getting more comfortable in explaining the process. _

_ “I usually cut out anything unimportant, but it’s a good idea to check throughout the tape to see if there’s anything interesting going on in the background, or something,” Jay explained.  _

_ Tim nodded, leaning over Jay’s shoulder to get a better look at the screen. Jay made the executive decision to vehemently ignore the way that their cheeks were almost brushing. _

_ “Okay,” Tim said. “How do you upload it again?” _

_ “Uh,” Jay stammered, mind running blank. He spat out a half-incoherent response, walking Tim through posting the video while simultaneously trying to pretend like his face felt like it was on fire.  _

_ Tim hummed in response, leaving Jay’s side. “Thanks. I’m gonna go smoke, see you in a bit.” _

_ Jay watched Tim leave, eyes lingering on the door even after it closed. He exhaled sharply, forcing his gaze onto the screen.  _

_ Focusing was an impossible task all of a sudden, the room filled with the sound of listless tapping and the restless bobbing of Jay’s leg. His hand ghosted against his cheek, staring at the computer screen but not registering anything it showed.  _

_ Jay buried his head in the crook of his elbow, sighing quietly. _

_ One day he was going to get over this, he told himself. He was going to get over Tim and finally act like a normal human being for once one of these days.) _

Jay laughed a little, albeit slightly bitter.

God, he was wrong. 


	3. 3

Jessica tapped the steering wheel idly, staring down the red light in front of her. Traffic was hell today-- it felt as if the universe was trying to keep her and Jay from going to Rosswood. Her eyes slowly wandered from the road to Jay, who was cleaning the lens of his camera.

“Why’d you bring the camera?” Jessica asked. 

Jay faltered for a moment. “Uh. Thought it’d be nice to… document some nature. For fun.”

Jessica glanced at him, chuckling. “You’re weird, you know that?”

“It’s a talent.”

“I’ve noticed,” she said, grinning. She paused, unsure of what to say next. 

Jay seemed weirdly anxious about the whole idea of going to Rosswood, especially now. Jessica was a rather observant person; the tremor in his hands and the bobbing of his leg were enough to make her start to regret taking him in the first place.

He probably just hadn’t been out in a while, she reasoned. There was no way of telling what his life was like before they met but he didn’t seem like the most social crayon in the box. On the other hand, though, Rosswood wasn’t a very popular park. Jessica was sure he’d be fine.

As they pulled into the parking lot, it became suddenly apparent that Jay was very much not fine. 

He was trying his best to hide it, by the looks of it, but he could barely open his door. Jessica walked over to the other side of the car, stopping Jay in his tracks and forcing him to sit down at a park bench. 

Jay practically collapsed onto the wooden seat, exhaling heavily. His eyes were wide, darting around the parking lot as if everything around them was a murder weapon.

“Jay. Jay?” Jessica started, sitting down next to him. “You alright, buddy?”

His voice was shaky and faint, but Jessica could make out bits and pieces, like ‘that  _ thing _ ’ and ‘Tim’. 

“It’s alright, Jay,” Jessica tried to soothe, hesitantly resting a hand on his shoulder. His hand dug into the armrest, knuckles turning white. Jessica continued to talk, rambling in an attempt to keep his mind off of the gripping panic.

“Do you want to leave?” She eventually asked after he had begun to calm down. 

“No. Which route did you want to take?” He swiftly changed the subject, getting up.

“Hey, wait a minute,” she said, scrambling to her feet. “We’re just going to ignore that? What happened? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, just kinda… panicked.” He sighed. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Panicked? About  _ what _ ? We’re at a park, Jay. There’s not a lot to freak out over.”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” he responded, tone sharper than Jessica had ever heard it. “Sorry.”

“Fine,” she said quickly, raising her hands in a placating gesture. “Whatever. But I’m driving us home if you’re not okay.”

He nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Sure. Which way are we going?”

Jessica’s dream of a fun little nature walk quickly dissolved when they stepped onto one of the trails. Jay had chosen the trail when Jessica said she didn’t have a preference, seemingly walking on autopilot as if he had done it a million times. Jessica struggled to keep up with him, but he was barely even breaking a sweat.

Jay finally came to a stop, looking around.

“Jay?” Jessica asked cautiously.

“Do you hear something?” He asked, voice deadly quiet. There was something dangerous in his tone, unreasonable fear mixed with… hope? Why hope?

Jessica stopped for a moment, listening. Faint birdsong wove its way through the trees along with the wind, the sound of a babbling brook not too far off… and the sudden cut off of crunching leaves and twigs.

“...Somebody else is probably on the trail,” she started, scanning the perimeter for any sign of a lone hiker. The woods around them looked empty. Jessica suppressed the dread that suddenly clouded her senses.

“We need to get out of here,” Jay whispered.

“Jay, it’s probably just a random hiker,” Jessica responded, lowering her voice nonetheless. 

“Jessica,” Jay pleaded, staring at her with more fear in his eyes than she thought was humanly possible. 

“Fine,” she finally said. “Which way is back?”

Jay turned around, eyes suddenly widening. “Shit. Shit shit _ shit  _ which way did we come from?” 

Jessica hummed, pointing down the trail. She was entirely guessing, having not paid any attention on the way there, but Jay was looking close to another anxiety attack and she just needed to get him back to the parking lot. 

Jay grabbed her hand. “Don’t let go.”

She murmured a quick ‘alright’ as he began to rush them through the woods. It didn’t take long for them to realize that they were just going deeper in. 

“Shit,” Jessica said. “...I don’t think that was the right way.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Jay responded, voice straining to keep some semblance of calm. 

Jessica sat down on a fallen log, running a hand through her hair. “Any idea on where we are now?”

“The red trail, by the looks of it.” Jay gestured to the red spray paint smattering a nearby tree. “If we keep going this way and then go off into orange, then that should lead us back to the lot.”

“...Have you been here before?”

Jay laughed nervously. “What? No. I just… looked at the map on our way in. Photographic memory, or- or something.”

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Okay…” 

Jay cleared his throat. “Anyway. Let’s get out of here. Please.” His voice broke a little at the end, desperation flooding his otherwise level-headed tone. 

The pair got out of the woods finally, both exhausted. Jay was still shaking when they got into the car, collapsing onto his seat with a sigh of relief. 

“You alright?” Jessica asked, starting up the car.

“Well, nothing too bad happened, so yeah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“...Huh?”

Jessica sighed. “You keep talking like Rosswood is some living hell when, in the same breath, you claim to have never been. What’s going on?”

Jay worried his bottom lip for a moment, eyes trained on the window. “Well. I… I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jessica got a sudden sense of deja vu. “Jay. Please. Obviously, something traumatic happened. It’s fine that you don’t want to go into details. But I feel like I know nothing about you, and the fact that you’re lying about it isn’t helping.”

He paused for a moment, wringing his hands. “...Fine,” he finally sighed. “I guess I should start at the beginning, huh? Well, I had this… friend, who was being stalked by a tall, bald guy. The whole situation made him really paranoid, and he lashed out on us. Eventually, he moved away, leaving his friends in the dark about the whole situation, so I tried to figure out why he was such a dick.

“It… escalated, and the stalker started coming for me, too. A lot of it took place in or near Rosswood.

“But, uh, it wasn’t all bad. My house got burned down, so I started going from hotel to hotel. Then, I… I started talking to him.”

“Him?” Jessica asked.

“Yeah. He… he was one of A- my friend’s friends, back before everything, and I met up with him to figure out more about what happened.” He smiled sadly. “We… we fought a lot at first. God, he punched me a  _ lot.  _ But, uh, eventually we learned how to work together.” His face fell. “But, uh, I… I really fucked up at the end of it. Thought he was betraying me. I was such an idiot. And, uh, then I ended up with you.”

Jessica nodded slowly. It was a start. “That’s fucked up.”

Jay laughed. “Yeah, that’s one word for it.”

“If I may ask…” Jessica started. “Where are those two friends now?”

“Dead. Well, the first one, at least, thank god. I don’t know about the second one.” He sighed quietly. “I really hope he’s alright.”

They stopped at a red light, Jessica taking the moment to study Jay’s face. He looked tired, eyes sunken in and grief clearly displayed on his face. There was something else there, though, some yearning that laid right under the surface of his features. 

“Did you love him?”

His expression immediately shifted to one of shock and embarrassment. “I- what? No, of course I didn’t- I mean, why would I- we were just friends,” he stammered quickly. 

“Jay, I think now is the best time to tell you that you’re a terrible liar.”

He opened his mouth to retort, but ended up slowly closing it instead. “...It doesn’t matter now, anyway. Haven’t seen him in months, and we didn’t exactly leave on the best terms.” He paused. “That, and he thinks I’m dead. Or forgot about me. Or just, moved on.” His voice pittered out until it was barely above a murmur.

Jessica glanced away from the road to look at him. He was curled in on himself, clutching his sides tightly. His eyes were far off, distantly staring out at the road, eyebrows cinched slightly in pain. 

_ Okay, Jess,  _ she thought to herself,  _ comfort him, or something. Be a good friend, goddamnit.  _

“I’m really sorry,” she ended up saying. “I wish there was something I could do.”

“Heh, yeah. Me too,” he mumbled in response. 

There was a bout of silence. 

“Hey.” Jessica glanced at him. “Wanna get takeout and watch some shitty horror movies when we get back? It basically ends up being comedy if it’s bad enough.”

A ghost of a smile flitted across his features. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d… I’d like that a lot. Thanks.”

“Any time. Y’know, maybe on our next outing we’ll go to a place that isn’t associated with horrible experiences, yeah?”

He laughed. “Good idea.”


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for missing a week!! i was really busy but im back now! i hope you enjoy the chapter and as always, comments and kudos are appreciated <3

Panic. Cold sweat. Gasping, heavy breaths. 

_ Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. _

Tim dug his hands into his scalp, letting the mantra repeat in his mind.  _ Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. _

He took a deep, shaky breath, curling in on himself.  _ Jesus christ.  _

_ Remember what your therapist taught you. Focus on something else. _

His room was still dark, shadows and silhouettes covering the walls. The light of a streetlight peeked through the curtains. With a trembling hand, he turned on the lamp at his bedside table. 

There were meds on his nightstand, backup meds in the drawers, and backup backup meds under his bed, in his dresser, and behind his pillow. There was a knife next to the meds under his pillow, still stained with Alex’s blood. 

_ Blood beneath his fingernails, impossible to scrub away. Nausea. He’s stained, ruined, he  _ killed someone--

The clock read 4:03. Technically morning, right? He could make breakfast, if only just to get his mind off things. Tim knew he probably wouldn’t eat it, but the distraction was always nice, and the local raccoons always appreciated the free meal. 

He sat up slowly, scrubbing the drowsy panic from his eyes.  _ Dirty, dirty hands. Covered in blood. Alex’s blood.  _ Maybe he’d try to make french toast. That seemed simple enough. 

Tim reached for the knife under his pillow, letting it slip into his grasp as he began the trek down the hall into the kitchen. No Alex, no Brian, no white piece of shit in a suit, as usual. He turned the lights on.

French toast. Eggs, bread, powdered sugar… easy. 

Tim started, brain running on autopilot while he cut up bread and cracked eggs. His therapist had urged him to start cooking more. He enjoyed it, really, but wasn’t very good. Jay was always a better cook, utilizing shitty motel kitchenettes and making delicious meals out of gas station ingredients.

He grimaced at the cooking bread as if it had any say on where his mind wandered off to. He sighed quietly, willing himself to just  _ stop thinking for five fucking seconds.  _

As much as Tim liked to bottle up his feelings, the sharp pain of Jay’s death was impossible to ignore. He missed Jay. God, he missed Jay. There was nothing therapeutic in admitting it to himself; the gripping pain Tim felt without Jay just made him feel… empty. There was nothing that could be done about it. He was stuck with a confession that would never reach the ears of the person who needed it.

It wasn’t love, was it? Tim wasn’t sure the word fit in with his vocabulary.  _ Love.  _ It was all soft around the edges, something intimately shared, but he couldn’t share it because there was nobody that could take it. 

Tim’s childhood wasn’t that of love. He wasn’t built on kisses from his mother, packed lunches with little notes, kind hugs from friends and family. He was built on paranoia, screams going unheard, panic. Love wasn’t something he could afford.

But the look in Jay’s eye when Tim came back after a smoke break always made his chest flutter, the banter between them always made him grin, and he’d be lying if he said he’d be better off without Jay. Was that love? 

His french toast was burning.

Tim switched the stove off, muttering a string of swears as he fanned away smoke.  _ Idiot.  _

French toast thoroughly ruined, Tim reached for the nearest box of cigarettes to go smoke. Empty.  _ Shit.  _

The nearest gas station was a 24 hour place, he could pop over if he really wanted, but it was still dark out…

_ You’re in Oregon,  _ he reminded himself,  _ far away from that thing. You’ll be fine.  _

He got dressed, arming himself with the usual necessities- knife, meds, wallet. It was a five minute walk from his house to the gas station, four if he was quick. There was little threat. He’d be fine.

As expected, the walk was uneventful. He kept on eye trained on the nearby woods, relieved to see no hooded figures or tall men in suits. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Two packs of cigarettes, please,” he told the store clerk, an exhausted looking woman. His voice sounded hoarse. It didn’t sound like him. He missed Jay.

“$10.54. Cash or card?” 

He placed a 20 on the counter. “Thanks.” 

“Mhm. Come again.”

He grabbed the boxes, stuffing them in his pocket as he walked out. Time to return to the mess he had left the kitchen.

Tim stopped in his tracks a few seconds after, though, shock firing through his nerves like a bolt of lightning, eyes focused on a man on the sidewalk, tying his shoe.

His face was obstructed, but the brown hair and thin, well-worn hoodie were familiar enough to make Tim’s heartbeat get three times faster.

Logic was immediately thrown out the window. Jay was here, a few yards away,  _ alive.  _

_ Jay’s alive. What do I say to him? Do I apologize? Do I kiss him? Jesus christ, don’t kiss him. What do I do? Holy shit, holy shit- _

Tim started to move forward, hands shaking, mind racing. “Jay-” he began, voice betraying his relief and worry much more than he would’ve liked.

The man once thought to be Jay turned to look at him, and Tim immediately faltered. He was most certainly  _ not  _ Jay. The man raised an eyebrow at him. Tim mumbled a quick apology, gluing his eyes to the concrete and walking past him.

Tim exhaled sharply.  _ Idiot. Idiot. What did you think would happen? He’s dead. Idiot.  _

_ He’s dead.  _ The thought felt wrong, out of place in his mind. Painful. 

_ You need to get over him. He’s not coming back.  _

He fished in his pockets for a lighter. He opened one of the packs, sticking a cigarette in his mouth. A few puffs of smoke later and his throat felt properly coated in nicotine again.

He looked up at the trees, and much to his chagrin, saw a bluejay intently watching him from a nearby branch.

“Don’t patronize me,” he grumbled at it. It responded with a little chirp and a tilt of the head. He flipped it off. 

_ Christ, it’s gonna be a long day.  _


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter five!!! im rlly happy with this one actually! also- the comments on this fic rlly keep me going! thank you so much to anybody whos left a comment bc its so motivating and sweet <3 enjoy this weeks chapter !

“You’re really weird about that camera.”

“I’m weird about a lot of things, Jessica.”

“Don’t be an ass, you know what I mean,” Jessica said, grinning despite herself. “You’re just drawing, I don’t get why you have to film it.”

“Would you believe me if I said I had a secret YouTube channel where I filmed art videos and vlogs?”

“Not in the slightest.”

Jay chuckled a little, shaking his head as if there was a joke that Jessica wasn’t in on. He continued drawing.

“What’re you drawing?” Jessica finally asked, peering over his shoulder. 

He covered the paper with his arms, laughing nervously. “Nothing interesting, just… practicing. I haven’t drawn in a while, so I’m not very good.”

“Bullshit, show me.” 

Jay hesitated for a moment before finally relenting, handing the paper to her. There were several doodles on the page; a few surprisingly good sketches of Maggie here and there, other animals scattered in any empty space… but the most intriguing were the drawings of people.

Jay was a good artist. Jessica was honestly expecting much worse by how he treated his art. There was a drawing of her on there, a side profile of her watching the TV, and a man she didn’t recognize. He had short hair, one side falling on his eye, a cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth. He looked apathetic, bored, staring off into space. 

“You’re really good,” she said, smiling at the page. “I like this one right here, she’s pretty hot.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t flatter yourself,” he responded with a grin, taking back the paper. “You were just the most readily available reference.”

“Seriously, though, you’re really good! Can’t believe I was housemates with someone with actual talent. Can’t relate, sadly.” 

Jay chuckled, rolling his eyes. “I’m not that good, just took a class or two as a kid.” He paused, wringing his hands, a shy smile ghosting across his face. “...I’m glad you like it, though.”

Jessica patted him on the shoulder, grimacing internally at the small jolt of panic he obviously felt. 

There was a sort of guilt that always came when interacting with Jay. He baffled Jessica to no end, with his camera and anxiety and mysterious backstory. Something about it was so… bittersweet, how he smiled at her as if there was something she was missing. There was an unexplainable pang of guilt. She should’ve been there for him.

_ Should’ve been there for him? _

The thought caught her off guard. She wracked her brain for a moment, searching for any time that she had let Jay down in any way. The other day, of course, with the abysmal way going to Rosswood turned out, but it was deeper than that. 

What was it? What was that festering itch in the back of her brain, the guilt that continued to stew in her gut? Where did it come from? 

Jessica was no stranger to amnesia. She was a rough child, always jumping and climbing and picking fights with other kids. It led to plenty of concussions, which usually resulted in a bit of memory loss. And, of course, there was that time a while back where her memory was extremely spotty, causing her to lose days at a time…

But she didn’t know Jay back then. It would’ve been impossible for their paths to cross, right?

Right?

Jessica sighed quietly.  _ Put a pin in it. I’m reaching, anyway. That’s insane.  _

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

She paused briefly. “Pizza?”   
  


“Thought you’d never ask.”

\---

3:45 AM. Jessica sighed, idly stirring her coffee. It was a horrible idea to keep drinking it, of course, but logic had no place in a late night breakdown.

Of course there was often distress when thinking about the time she had lost. Several months thrown down the drain isn’t exactly something to brush over. It never bothered her this much, though.

It was raining outside. Pouring, really- the windows were slick with water and there was a muffled eruption of the sound of hammering against the roof. The sounds were normally a source of comfort, but now they only added another layer to the frustration clouding her head.

Tired. Angry. Confused. A myriad of words and phrases were at her disposal to describe her current mental state. She took another sip of coffee.

There was a lot of ambiguity in her memories, little details and concepts left up to interpretation, bits and pieces trapped in fog. 

Waking up last year in her house, her favorite shirt covered in blood, aching as if she had run several miles, only to find out that she hadn’t been seen by anybody she knew for almost the entire year.

Seeing men in suits make her legs start to buckle for months after that. She had to throw away the shirt and act like everything was fine. She lied through her teeth to everyone who got nosey. She wished she knew the answers to their questions.

Then, everything went back to normal. She started going to therapy, met a strange, depressing nicotine addict with wonderful facial hair who left almost as quickly as he arrived, and then… Jay showed up.

Saying that Jay was a character was an understatement. Just looking at him made her want to take an entire bottle of Lexapro. But, when she met him, he was dying in the middle of her lawn and she didn’t consider herself to be spiritual but it had to be for a reason. 

Jay was still a mystery. Even with the small snippets of backstory, he was impossible to figure out. She couldn’t shake the feeling that he was lying about something. He was shit at it, but this felt… big. The kind of big that made his hands shake. The kind of big that made him have a panic attack when stepping foot inside of Rosswood.

Maybe she should just let it slide, let him keep it to himself. She probably wouldn’t like the answer, anyway, based on Jay’s general demeanor alone. 

But there was a desperate itch in the back of her mind all the same, a part of her that  _ needed  _ to know why he was lying. A part that yearned for some semblance of truth, a part that wished to not have her life shrouded in mystery for once.

It wasn’t fair. It felt childish to think, but it was true. Jessica didn’t deserve this. Jay didn’t deserve whatever happened to him either. 

Her coffee was getting cold. The rain was dying down. 4:15 AM. 

A door opened down the hall. Jessica’s head shot up, senses on alert despite herself. 

She relaxed as Jay wandered out into the kitchen, both equally surprised to see each other up.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey. How long have you been up?”

“Never went to sleep in the first place. You?”

“An hour or two, heh.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Can… can I sit?”

“Go ahead.”

Jay sat down, running a hand through his hair. “So… what’s up? Why are you up, I mean.”

Jessica shrugged. “Thoughts were too loud, I guess. You?”

“Nightmares. Nothing new.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Only if we talk about your thing first.”

Jessica chuckled softly. “Alright, sure. I… well, last year I got a bad case of amnesia and woke up with no memories of the past eight months. I’m just… thinking about what could’ve happened in that time.”

Jay nodded, eyes trained on the counter. “That’s… wow, that’s crazy.” He wrung his hands.

“Yeah.” She paused, sighing. “Therapy didn’t really help, just gave me more questions.”

“Do you really not remember anything?” Jay asked. There was another layer to the question, though, a sense of guilt tarnishing his words. Guilt. Why was there guilt?

“Mhm. Nothing. My memory was spotty for months after that, too. Sucked.”

“I… I’m sorry that happened. I’m really sorry.” So many emotions mixed around in the way he said it. Sadness. Sincerity. More guilt.

“It’s alright, not your fault, anyways,” she murmured, shooting a glance at Jay. His hands were trapped in each other with a vice like grip. His eyes didn’t leave the counter. Silence. 

“Okay,” she finally began again. “Your turn now. Lay it on me.”

“It’s not that interesting,” he started. “It started out as usual, running in the woods, being chased by…” he trailed off, frown deepening. “...Being chased in the woods. Uh, then- well, it was more of reliving a memory than a dream at this point. The whole… getting shot thing came up. Then more running. It’s always running, huh?” He murmured the last part, as if talking to himself, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. “Can’t seem to stop.”

Jessica hummed in response. “Damn.”

“Damn indeed.” 

“What were you doing around this time last year?” 

“...Why?”

“I dunno, just…” she shrugged. “Wanting to live vicariously through someone who had memories of the time.”

“Well, I was trying to find a friend. Thought he could help me with the whole situation. He was, of course, a giant, cryptic asshole about it all. It was… well, it was a really confusing time for a while. Met a really good friend, though.”

“Oh really? Is this a similar situation with all your other friends where they think you’re dead or are dead themselves?”

He laughed a little. “No, actually. She’s alive. I… well, I don’t think she likes me that much, but she’s alive and okay and that’s what matters.”

Jessica nodded. “She sounds better than your usual bunch, at least.” 

“Yeah,” he responded, finally turning to face her. “She is.”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“You’re weird, you know that?” Jessica finally said.

“So I’ve been told, yeah.”

“No, I mean it,” she said.  _ Now or never, I guess. _ “You always talk as if there’s some joke I’m not in on and you are a  _ horrendous _ liar. What are you not telling me?”

Jay opened and closed his mouth a few times in rapid succession, stammering out a few half words and shaky starts to an explanation. He was undeniably caught.

“It- it’s a long story,” he began quickly.

“We’ve got all the time in the world, Jay. I’ve spent the past year with so little information about myself. You know something and you need to tell me.”

He pursed his lips, exhaling sharply. Jessica could see the way his mind was racing, the way his leg bobbed up and down anxiously. He was debating something, caught up in an internal war. She was patient, though. She had waited this long, she could wait a few more minutes.

“Okay,” he finally began, running a hand through his hair. “Where do I start?”


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahsskdjds im sorry this is so late, i was rlly busy this weekend and. yea i rlly just forgot to update  
> i havent been doing too great recently! and im not too happy with this chapter!! but hopefully its ok   
> please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed <3 gonna try and be better abt updating and having a longer chapter next week :] thanks for reading!!

“...Huh.”

Jay paused, looking at Jessica. “Is… is that it? Is that really all you have to say about it?”

“No, just… processing,” Jessica murmured, staring off. The clock read 6:45 AM. She wanted so desperately to be tired, to go to bed and act like this entire night had been a dream. She laughed a little, running a hand through her hair.

“..What?”

“It’s… well, it’s funny,” she started, “I almost wish I could go back to not knowing. That… that’s all really fucked up.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised you believe me,” Jay said.

“Yeah, same.” She traced the lines on her counter, idly trying to distract herself from the crushing weight of everything Jay had just said. “Y’know, what I don’t get though, is how you ended up in my backyard.”

“That thing, it… it causes a lot of weird shit to happen. I mean, exhibit A,” he said, gesturing at Jessica. “I… I saw you die on video. Then you just… magically appeared again.”

“So why don’t I remember any of it?” She looked up at him, ignoring the way her hands were beginning to tremble.

Jay paused, brow furrowed. “I… I honestly couldn’t tell you. I spent years trying to figure that thing out, but it never makes any sense.”

_ Of course. More questions in lieu of answers.  _ Her frown deepened. “Hm.”

“I’m sorry,” he ended up saying, a soft guilt tainting his tone. 

“It… it’s not your fault, anyway,” she responded. “I understand everything a little bit more now, I guess.” 

Jessica was simultaneously bitter and glad that she couldn’t remember any of it. She ran over the parts that stuck out to her- Alex, the hooded and masked men, the hotel, her ‘death’... it sent shivers down her spine just thinking about it.

“...Aren’t Tim and the masked man the same person?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Jay’s face wrinkled. “God, no.” Jessica’s confusion must have shown plainly on her face, based on how he continued, “Well, I mean… technically, I guess? They have the same body, but they’re nothing alike.”

“Okay, that’s totally helpful and definitely not more confusing,” she said, to which Jay responded with a shrug- a silent  _ I don’t know what to tell you.  _ She hummed quietly, thinking for a moment. “...Speaking of, actually, what did Tim look like?”

“What? Why?”

“Humor me.”

“He’s… short. And, uh, he has dark brown hair. Sideburns, too.” He paused. “Is it weird if I say attractive?”

“Does he smoke?”

“Yeah, actually.” Jay eyed her suspiciously. “How did you..?”

“Jay,” Jessica started, staring him in the eye, “I know Tim.”

Jay stayed silent, staring at her, mouth slightly agape.

“...Jay?”

“...Holy shit. Holy shit, you know Tim,” he murmured breathlessly, a hope in his voice that he didn’t quite seem to trust. “Where is he? Is he okay? When was the last time you saw him? He left a few months ago, so I-”

“Jesus christ, Cassanova, slow down.” Jessica placed a placating hand on his shoulder. He relaxed a little, wringing his hands nonetheless. “He said he was thinking about heading west, if I remember properly. Oregon. I haven’t seen him in months, so I’m not too sure how he’s doing.”

Jay nodded, lips pressed into a tight line. “Okay. Okay. That… that’s a lead. I can work off of that.”

“What do you mean ‘I’? There’s no way you’re doing this alone. You literally spent the past few hours explaining why you working solo is a horrible idea.”

He opened his mouth to retort, but slowly closed it instead. “...I didn’t think you’d want to come,” he finally muttered, looking almost embarrassed.

“You don’t even have a car, of course I’m coming with you!”

“Okay, okay! ...Thanks.” He smiled a little. “When do you think we can go?”

“I’ll have to let my boss know I won’t be in for a while, and we’ll have to pack… a few days, at most. I’m still not sure how you’ll find him, though.”

“I’ll figure something out,” Jay said. “I always do.”

“I trust you will.” She rubbed her eyes. “For now, though, I really think we should go to bed. I think the sun’s already out.”

“Best idea you’ve ever had,” Jay responded, getting up. “Alright, well. Goodnight. Good morning? Whatever, just… sleep well.”

“You, too.” She waved as he walked off. Her earlier attempts to quell her clouded mind had seemed to work and backfire horribly at the same time. Her original questions had been answered for the most part, but new ones had just taken their place. 

At least now she was tired enough to sleep it off. She wandered into her room, falling asleep mere minutes after her head hit the pillow. 

Questions could wait for tomorrow. Now, all she could hope for was a peaceful rest. 


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK BABY!!!! sincerest apologies for letting this fic stay dead for so long but i have inspiration again so!!!! hopefully i can finish sometime soon ;0  
> thank you so much to anybody whos left a comment or kudos on my work, it motivates me so much :']!! enjoy this chapter <3!

“You’re doing it again.”

Tim blinked a few times, slowly coming back to the present. He was on a cracked leather chair. There were synthetic wave noises coming from a machine in the corner of the room. It smelled like lavender. He was still dizzy, eyes unfocusing, head throbbing. 

“Ah, sorry?” He murmured, letting his fingers twist one of his bracelets around idly. Anything to keep himself here, in the present, where someone was trying desperately to talk to him. 

“Do you know where you are?”

He looked around again. Fake flowers in a vase. Corkboard covered in reminders. Old leather chair. He ran a hand over it, taking a deep breath. 

Therapist’s office. Right. He nodded, eyes screwed shut.

“Sorry,” he repeated, sighing shakily. “Uh, where were we?”

Dr. Elm, or just Melissa, as she’d asked Tim to call her, was giving him a worrying look. “I was asking how your meds have been treating you.”

He nodded. “Right, right. They- they’ve been fine, I guess. Same old.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, shirt feeling too tight, head still shaking off the residual static.

“How have the nightmares been?”

He pursed his lips.  _ Honesty, Wright. Stay honest with her.  _ “...Worse,” he started. “Different? I dunno. Worse.” Worse didn’t begin to cover it, though. They all seemed to feature Jay these past couple of weeks- Jay dying, Jay forgetting about him, Jay, Jay, Jay. 

She raised an eyebrow. He continued.

“They’re just. They used to all be about me, and now the focus has shifted onto another person.”

“Is this person still prevalent in your life?”

_ Yes. God, a thousand times yes.  _ “Not really.”

She hummed, carefully scribbling down more notes. “What do they do in these dreams?”

_ The ringing of a gunshot rests in his ears. He runs down the hall- Jay is there, bleeding out, coughing and shaking and groaning in pain and Tim’s the one holding the gun. He doesn’t know why he did it. He didn’t want to do it, he didn’t mean to hurt him, but he still pulled that damn trigger. _

He’s shaking. He can feel his hands shaking. 

“Uh-” he cleared his throat, grimacing at the way it cracked so easily. “I don’t- I don’t really want to talk about it.”

_ Jay, pissed off, walking away from him. ‘Fuck you,’ he spits, ‘You ruined it. You ruined everything.’ Tim can’t respond. He doesn’t want to, really. Jay’s right.  _

He laughed shakily. “I’m sorry.” He needs a second. Melissa can tell. She waited patiently, watching.

It was cold in there. He pulled his jacket tighter around his arms, and for once he felt too small for the massive room around him.

He took a shaky breath.  _ This is fine. Everything is fine.  _ He laughed again at the familiarity of the statement.  _ Fuck. _

_ Keep talking. You won’t get lost if you keep talking. _

“I just miss him. That’s all. I just-” he paused again, exhaling heavily, willing tears away from his eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, Tim,” she said, and for a minute, Tim tried to believe it. It wasn;t true, though, nothing was fine. Correction: nothing was fine without Jay.

“We might have to cut this discussion short,” Melissa continued. “I have a meeting in a few minutes. I’ll see you same time next week?”

“‘Course. Uh, I’ll see you then.” He slowly got to his feet, giving her a trained smile. “Have fun in your meeting.”

“I won’t, but thanks. Also, try listening to calming music while falling asleep. It might help. See you next week.”

Tim let his smile slip off his face the second the door closed behind him. He sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. Tired. So goddamn tired, but he couldn’t sleep because he was in even more pain and didn’t want to make it worse.

He opted to go on a walk. The town was nice at this time of year anyway, spring just beginning to arrive, crocuses and daffodils lining the streets. It was nice.

Jay would’ve liked this, he thought. He would’ve loved Oregon. It was quiet and beautiful and they could’ve been together and lived out some domestic fantasy until they were old and grey and died for some normal reasons instead of stupid ex-friends with their stupid _ fucking  _ student films. 

There was so much Jay missed out on. All of the coffee shops and late-night grocery runs and the nightmares, even, would have been so much easier if he just had  _ him.  _ They could have gone on walks together. They could have picked the flowers in the spring. They could have  _ lived.  _

It wasn’t the same without him. It never would feel right without Jay sitting next to him, face buried in his damn computer. He was a large, ginormous part of the gaping, shattered parts of Tim’s heart, and as cheesy as it felt to even let the thought cross his mind, he couldn’t live properly without him.

Tim didn’t want to be here. It was better; he wasn’t fearing for his life, but he didn’t have Jay, and that was the most important part. He didn’t want to be safe at this cost. He didn’t want to be happy when Jay couldn’t and it was all his fault.

He had stopped at some point, staring down at the concrete of the sidewalk below him, hot tears streaming down his face. 

It didn’t hurt in the fullest sense, but it ached, which was quite honestly worse. It throbbed, a pain not quite present enough to warrant medication, but full enough to make him punch a hole through a wall and/or smoke seven cigarettes at once. 

He walked home. Outside was beginning to feel like too much. Not that inside was any better, of course, but it was warm and that was enough for right now.

He had never made a grave for Jay. Not that there was anything left to bury- he never went back to the college to go looking, and he didn’t think he could’ve handled that anyway, but still. He felt… bad. Guilty.  _ Responsible for his death and I can’t even honor him properly. _

He fished out an old vase from under the sink and stole some daffodils from his neighbor’s yard to put them in. Next to this, on a small shelf, he placed a folded up photo of Jay that he still kept around just so he wouldn’t forget his face. 

It wasn’t much, but it was better than what he had previously. 

He brewed a cup of coffee and sat down, pensively staring at the bouquet. He sighed.

“God, I’m sorry.”


End file.
